the 2012 epic and winding ramble
the year is over
i am sooo looking forward to a new one!
i was going to write a year in review
but after beginning
i decided i dont want to review this year so much
i started at January, went back to january here on the blog and the first thing i saw was my wrecked volvo
i burst into silent tears
which surprised me
sooo
change of plans
maybe
we'll see where this leads
THIS has been my challenge this year
a long journey out of FEAR
im even a little weirded out by talking about it, like i may jinx something
i saw a pic of myself the day before that accident
i have aged a lot since that face
i have all sorts of weird "rules" now, which i am just beginning to shed
rules about how to feel safe
fear has been my near constant companion this year
it drove me to a daily near 4 hour commute via 2 buses and a train each WAY so i wouldnt have to drive
which drove me to MOVE shortly after we finally got our house the way we wanted (snort)
look for a place closer to work
in retrospect i cannot believe the lengths i had to go to
to make life liveable
for myself
but also in retrospect, i learned how to be gentle w myself, and true to my own needs as the came through, and that is kind of new territory for me..and although i feel like the year has been waaay more about ME and what i needed to feel okay.. than it should have been,
oh well
we DID move, and this is a BRIGHT spot i STILL love being closer, love the new place, having the kids visit regularly, and my 30 minute commute
i am nearest to normal today as i have been in a year
we lost Gopaw this year
and
we gained Elijah this year
amazing how these short words cover such earth shaking events...such a broad array of emotions, HUGE loss and sorrow, Tremendous JOY and welcome
HUGE movements in our family worlds/energies
we sold our home
we bought a new home within a week of each other
amazing how these short sentences sum up such an arduous journey! tremendous amounts of effort and energy HERCULEAN
this years been about digging deep
learning about how much suffering can be caused by something thats only IN YOUR HEAD
I cant really say that im better for it
i am changed for what seems forever
my mind has a dent in it now.. that cant be hammered out.. not sure if thats good or bad.. it just is
this years been about pondering LIFE
what it means to mean something to someone else
what is my relationship going to be like with the boys now that they are grown up? and really truly out of the house? now that they have wives/girlfriends, children
(just saying this feels like such a huge leap from my reality not TOO LONG ago.)
what kind of mother-in-law do i want to be?
how do i figure in their worlds? these people who used to be MY WORLD
what kind of parent am i to Ode? am i AS fun? or am i the old quiet parent this time around
its been about stretching
doing something everyday that frightens me
what it means to be a grandparent (how will i ever live up to Gopaw?)
i find myself buying things for myself with Marley in mind, someday, Marley will find this in a drawer and think its cool
sometimes i think i am far too slow for this life,
or maybe my queue is just too long
I am way behind whats going on
life is far to busy for digestion
i find myself accepting things, or processing things, LOOONG after they've actually happened
i think i operate on the surface a lot
when things are too shocking or upsetting for immediate consumption
i am an internal processor
everything happens internally for me,
and slooowly
without outside discussion, but grinds around in there, like so many beach pebbles, getting rolled over and bashed against each other in the tide, until finally one day, all the edges are knocked off, and it occurs to me,
hey
this or that happened
what does that mean to me? how do i FEEL about that?
lawd
I am soo far behind
how are you supposed to eek out a meaningful life, day, week, year for yourself
with so much stuff going on all the time?
what does it all mean?
who's on first?
what time is it?
where am i and how did i get here?
ahh yes,
i have used the analogy before, and Cameron had a revelation about it on his trip to Los Angeles this year..
life is like the surf
sometimes it laps at your toes, all shy and delightful and warm
sometimes it is silent and reflective, and deeply moving
sometimes it is amazing, graceful, and dynamic, carrying you along on its back
and sometimes it catches you from behind, flips you upside down, spins you in circles so you dont know which way is up, then spits you out...high and dry on the sand, sputtering... w your suit around your ankles..
THATS 2012
ahhh ha ha ha ha
anyways
no neat tidy package for the year
i am glad for a new year
and it would be okay with me if i got to play catch up for just a teensy bit! wink wink
i vaguely recall making some wild proclamation about last year, and dancing across stages in gold sequined shorts..
(that must have been what nailed me!)
this year
i make no proclamations
but bring it on nevertheless
and i'll do the best i can
with as much flair as i can muster
and maybe a sequin will squeak by
here and there
my resolution
to love,
live,
laugh,
dance,
holler,
squeal,
cartwheel.
paint,
cut,
spin,
reel,
pick,
relish,
dig,
nourish,
flourish,
revel,
bask,
snuggle,
wiggle,
jig,
snort,
hustle (as in "do the hustle!".. queue flute music),
sizzle,
blaze,
sparkle,
jump,
adventure,
inquire,
embellish,
celebrate,
giggle,
cackle,
howl
MORE.
i am sooo looking forward to a new one!
i was going to write a year in review
but after beginning
i decided i dont want to review this year so much
i started at January, went back to january here on the blog and the first thing i saw was my wrecked volvo
i burst into silent tears
which surprised me
sooo
change of plans
maybe
we'll see where this leads
THIS has been my challenge this year
a long journey out of FEAR
im even a little weirded out by talking about it, like i may jinx something
i saw a pic of myself the day before that accident
i have aged a lot since that face
i have all sorts of weird "rules" now, which i am just beginning to shed
rules about how to feel safe
fear has been my near constant companion this year
it drove me to a daily near 4 hour commute via 2 buses and a train each WAY so i wouldnt have to drive
which drove me to MOVE shortly after we finally got our house the way we wanted (snort)
look for a place closer to work
in retrospect i cannot believe the lengths i had to go to
to make life liveable
for myself
but also in retrospect, i learned how to be gentle w myself, and true to my own needs as the came through, and that is kind of new territory for me..and although i feel like the year has been waaay more about ME and what i needed to feel okay.. than it should have been,
oh well
we DID move, and this is a BRIGHT spot i STILL love being closer, love the new place, having the kids visit regularly, and my 30 minute commute
i am nearest to normal today as i have been in a year
we lost Gopaw this year
and
we gained Elijah this year
amazing how these short words cover such earth shaking events...such a broad array of emotions, HUGE loss and sorrow, Tremendous JOY and welcome
HUGE movements in our family worlds/energies
we sold our home
we bought a new home within a week of each other
amazing how these short sentences sum up such an arduous journey! tremendous amounts of effort and energy HERCULEAN
this years been about digging deep
learning about how much suffering can be caused by something thats only IN YOUR HEAD
I cant really say that im better for it
i am changed for what seems forever
my mind has a dent in it now.. that cant be hammered out.. not sure if thats good or bad.. it just is
this years been about pondering LIFE
what it means to mean something to someone else
what is my relationship going to be like with the boys now that they are grown up? and really truly out of the house? now that they have wives/girlfriends, children
(just saying this feels like such a huge leap from my reality not TOO LONG ago.)
what kind of mother-in-law do i want to be?
how do i figure in their worlds? these people who used to be MY WORLD
what kind of parent am i to Ode? am i AS fun? or am i the old quiet parent this time around
its been about stretching
doing something everyday that frightens me
what it means to be a grandparent (how will i ever live up to Gopaw?)
i find myself buying things for myself with Marley in mind, someday, Marley will find this in a drawer and think its cool
sometimes i think i am far too slow for this life,
or maybe my queue is just too long
I am way behind whats going on
life is far to busy for digestion
i find myself accepting things, or processing things, LOOONG after they've actually happened
i think i operate on the surface a lot
when things are too shocking or upsetting for immediate consumption
i am an internal processor
everything happens internally for me,
and slooowly
without outside discussion, but grinds around in there, like so many beach pebbles, getting rolled over and bashed against each other in the tide, until finally one day, all the edges are knocked off, and it occurs to me,
hey
this or that happened
what does that mean to me? how do i FEEL about that?
lawd
I am soo far behind
how are you supposed to eek out a meaningful life, day, week, year for yourself
with so much stuff going on all the time?
what does it all mean?
who's on first?
what time is it?
where am i and how did i get here?
ahh yes,
i have used the analogy before, and Cameron had a revelation about it on his trip to Los Angeles this year..
life is like the surf
sometimes it laps at your toes, all shy and delightful and warm
sometimes it is silent and reflective, and deeply moving
sometimes it is amazing, graceful, and dynamic, carrying you along on its back
and sometimes it catches you from behind, flips you upside down, spins you in circles so you dont know which way is up, then spits you out...high and dry on the sand, sputtering... w your suit around your ankles..
THATS 2012
ahhh ha ha ha ha
anyways
no neat tidy package for the year
i am glad for a new year
and it would be okay with me if i got to play catch up for just a teensy bit! wink wink
i vaguely recall making some wild proclamation about last year, and dancing across stages in gold sequined shorts..
(that must have been what nailed me!)
this year
i make no proclamations
but bring it on nevertheless
and i'll do the best i can
with as much flair as i can muster
and maybe a sequin will squeak by
here and there
my resolution
to love,
live,
laugh,
dance,
holler,
squeal,
cartwheel.
paint,
cut,
spin,
reel,
pick,
relish,
dig,
nourish,
flourish,
revel,
bask,
snuggle,
wiggle,
jig,
snort,
hustle (as in "do the hustle!".. queue flute music),
sizzle,
blaze,
sparkle,
jump,
adventure,
inquire,
embellish,
celebrate,
giggle,
cackle,
howl
MORE.
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