old friends, surgery, snow levels, and FEAR

I went to visit my very oldest friend this weekend. She lives kind of a hike away..

She is not “old” but we have know each other since we were 3.

She had (emergency) surgery last week, and has to “stay down” for 4 weeks! I’m pretty sure this is impossible, but we’ll see. She was already NOT staying down when I arrived..

When I spoke to her Friday and found out what had gone down, I told her I would come up to see her this weekend. ..as usual.. in some sort of response to “close calls”.. we feel the need to see one another, lay eyes on.. to make sure they are truly truly okay these friends/loved ones of ours. I didn’t really think about it.. at the time.

Saturday rolls around, and I checked the weather for the city below where they live.. there is no weather report for where they live, as it is sort of just a sideroad on the long highway that goes to the ski area..weather report says .. snow, snow 100% chance of snow

My stomach dropped

I just got to where I could comfortably drive in the dark and the rain again

I decided there’s no way in hell im going up there w even a breath of snow

And I started compiling my excuse speech to her

Ohh I am not someone comfortable w going back on my word, but it was dangerous! Treacherous even! I had visions of all sorts of worst case scenarios..I laid awake Saturday night, set in the fact that I was not going

I woke up Sunday

Checked the weather for somewhere near where she lives .. and it said it was raining and 41 degrees!

Hurray!

We got all loaded up, and set off

I drove

The sube is a stick and takes some getting used to - I only just for the first time drove w Chris and Ode in the car a couple weeks ago, first time in near a year

We get to the town at the base of the hill drizzling and 41 degrees

Thank god

Anyways I call her from there,

in the grocery store.. all happy (and proud of myself for driving without panic)

And I say to her, we’re about an hour out, im at the store, what do you need from town?

Shes all excited, and gives me list of things needed from town

Then

as im about to get off the phone, she says,

take our cutoff road slowly, like no faster than 10mph.. we have like 6 inches of snow..

“are you SERIOUS!?”

I said way too loud in the health food aisle of the grocery

I felt a huge way of heat and nausea wash over me

Everything in my body let down…

My mind starts scrambling for a way out

I tried to keep the sunshine in my voice whilst quickly composing an out strategy

But

I already told her id get her some groceries

I was locked in

Omg omg HOW am I gonna do this?

Being someone that’s known me for near forty years

She says to me, have you driven in the snow since your accident? No I say

My eyes started tugging at the edges like I was gonna cry

"You can do this" she says, "it will be fine, you used to do it all the time, and were fearless, you just have to try..."

"Okay" I say

(Thinking to myself – oh this is real nice, shes the one who just had surgery and shes giving me a pep talk!! I am sooo lame!)

I got off the phone, Chris says to me whats happened? Whats wrong?

I tell him,

We get the stuff on the list and leave

I drove nearly the whole way there without talking much at all

I was somewhere in supreme focus land, and busy fending off all my disaster thoughts.. nope, not going to think about that

Nope, not that either

On the way there, we saw one accident

Nope not gonna think about that

And the truck in front of us, decided he couldn’t go any further w 2 wheel drive.. and STOPPED.. ( I turned my flashers on) and pulled a u-ey, in the middle of the 2 lane freeway!! (at this point all the sirens are going off in my head, and i did my deep breathing from yoga)

Anyways

We made it just fine, we drove past people putting on chains

And the car never even thought about slipping

The sube is like a therapy dog for me - I needed something I could have confidence in.. and finally found it

in reality i am no more "safe" from people talking on their phones, or texting while operating a truck at 70 MPH.. 

but it allows me to mentally get rid of a lot of small fears, like tipping over, lack of handling (jeep)  and good crash test ratings.. forester has awesome ratings, and gas mileage and four wheel drive (now that my commute is a lot of reaaly big hills!)

( i know ....who knew something so simple as driving could be such an enourmous mind-melt for some of us.. )

anyways

We visited w our friends

It was lovely, my friend was getting through her first morning without pain meds,

And had her make-up on! Oh my goodness she is a wonder to behold

I am so glad I went

And I told her,

I love you and all but

if I had ANY clue there was THIS MUCH snow up here

There’s no way in hell I would have come up

But by the time you told me I was locked in! I had no exit! I had already agreed to get you stuff at the store

She laughed a wicked laugh and said YAY! Im so glad you got mislead in to coming by the weather report!

It is so good to be around people you can say whatever too, people who know you well enough, that you don’t have to carefully choose words around

And they’ll not think any worse of you

I am so glad my friend is okay

And on the mend

And everything worked out click click click.. for her to get in & out of the hospital when she did

So I could come visit her

and make sure she was okay

And kill my last frontier of driving anxiety with

One stone

Her husband loaded us up w salmon from his Alaska trip

And sent us on our way

And I blabbed all the way home

While driving in the snow

amen