Craving Life
Craving Life.
Recovery from middle age?
I’m not sure when it happened
have not really considered the tripwire date much
when exactly i crossed the line
became middle aged
gave up on my looks
forgot my dreams and succumbed to the rat race
im thinking it kind of snuck up on me
insidious like,
i had a baby at 39, and a year later when i turned 40 i was still carrying around the 60 lbs i had gained (and i wasnt thin to begin with)
the last few years seem blurred to me
YEARS of my life!
this was on top of a few really tough years
Id been laid off when the housing market crashed
found a new job in a completely different industry (starting over)
my mom had cancer
and my older sons were teenagers and struggling mightily with "becoming" themselves..let’s just say I slept with one eye open, and never relaxed for about 2/3 years
then i had a baby at 39
gained a ton of weight
and forgot about it
and myself
my life has never been "easy"
by any stretch
ive had a lot of struggles
but
its not ever been a tragedy either
I’ve had a lot of mountaintop moments in my life
and a lot of joy,
and really amazing times with my kids even when we were dirt poor
Where I could look back, and feel greatly achieved, vindicated, proud, and invigorated by life and challenge and hard work
most of the challenges ive faced have been self imposed – not all
I had struggled for along time to support myself and those boys
now i dont struggle so much
anyways
everyone has their challenges right?
let me get to the damn point
im not good at setting up a story – or getting to the point – in fact this may end up one long weedpath ramble
SOMEHOW
i got to this place a few years back where i gave up
i mean
i kept going to work
kept meeting my responsibilities
i kept hugging and loving my kids
and my husband
but gave up on my inner stuff
put myself on the shelf
and slowly
i became
gray
unanimated
dull
sad
boring
bored
pissy
blank
flat
un-myself
(is this what they mean by losing yourself?)
i have had some glimmers of hope
light ..something
over the past few years
but the dullness has been so hard to get rid of
persistent..
stubborn even
i knew i was slipping
i knew i was fading
i knew i was becoming more and more unhealthy
but felt completely unmotivated to do anything about it
lost.
Then
over the last year
and moreso the last few months
i have been making a determined and persistent effort
to come back
i have sought medical help
which ran me in circles for months on end - and the most powerful thing they have given me to date was an iron supplement. $6.39 at rite aid. AFter 10+ thousand dollars in brain scans and such.(I do have insurance (gratitude list))
i eat healthy
i trust my gut .. finally
i drink lots of water
i walk regularly
have started doing yoga ( i HATE exercise with a burning hot passion, but alas, i am forced to overcompensate for my lack of metabolism these days by "working out") and really now that ive been doing it for a while, its pretty painless,
and i can feel myself getting stronger – and I would not have expected yoga to be exercise but it really is! But the good kind
ive noticed I’m coming out of the pit
its not a big hurray
or a religious epiphany
or a fantastic diet pill
or self help book
i am saving myself
by little choices i make every day
and its painfully slow
and i lose weight incredibly slowly
and im still not too flexible
and i still look pissy sometimes when i walk past the windows at work
but
every day i vote for me
and i do something to help myself out of the hole - in spite of the tight box i live in most weekdays
all of this time i thought it was the tight box that was making me gray
but it wasnt
i still live in the same confines COMMUTE -+ job
but i have changed my mind about what i will let it do to me
im poking holes in the wet paper sack over my head
i have decided to be more persistent than the gray
and its working
slowly
but its working
im coming back from the dead
for the sake of embodying my life
achieving my potential
kicking off the second half of my life with steps in the right direction
instead of going quietly much too early
at first it was a grudging effort
i forced myself to walk.. dragged my own a55 around the parking garage day after day. It was a very special kind of unpleasantness,
then i changed my diet
i actually love Kale now, (truly!)
i started 'treating' myself to ‘me time’
painting
the studio
some creative outlet
the latest changes ive made..
before i go to bed each night i write down a gratitude page - sometimes im tired and its like 10 words scrawled
i sing in the car again,, even if i dont feel like it.. somehow the ACT of singing makes you happier, and then you actually want to sing
when i eat - i pay attention to each bite, and how its tastes instead of mindlessly getting through it
anyways
i dont know which thing it is.. maybe its just the iron supplements (snort)
maybe it’s the yoga
maybe its all the rabbit food ive been eating finally catching up to me
but i feel life returning to me
maybe I just took a 2year hiatus to recover from the first half of my life?
so yeah
no miracles
just small things every day
i used to come home and return through the door a wrung out rag, gray, tired, exhausted, and blank
now i come home,
and i smile and its real
and i sing to our youngest guy just for the joy it brings him
and i run up and down the halls chasing him, and growling oooh im gonna get you!!! as he squeals in octaves i didnt think humanly possible
i laugh and howl, and cry over funny stuff
all this time i was just craving life
and its returned to me in little drops, which have filled the bucket all the same
even my imagination has returned, the other day i was trying to think up a new interesting way to get a workout, besides walking around thee parking lot at lunch, and came up with roller skating around factoria mall, listening to good music (and GROOVING like the weird dudes used to do at skate king) and wearing a tutu. ahhh ha ha ha ha
now your asking yourself if maybe ive just fallen off
but no
i have always gotten fantastic ideas of WEIRD grandeur that cracked me up
maybe someday i will get the cohones to do them and not care!
today i was saying to Chris, i wonder how long i would keep a job, friend, relationship, how well i would actually fare in the world if i was 100% GENUINE ALL the time
like if i said what i was really thinking all day every day
and if i did everything i thought of
reminds me of that quote
what would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
I will close with a bit of beloved cheesy-ness
Whats that I hear?
“Duh
duh duh duh..”
Is it?
Could it be?
The theme song from rocky? The Eye of the tiger
“Risin' up, back on the streetDid my time, took my chancesWent the distanceNow I'm back on my feetJust a (wo)man and his will to survive!!!”
It’s the eye of the tiger
It’s the thrill of the fight”
Blah blah blah
Peace out
Recovery from middle age?
I’m not sure when it happened
have not really considered the tripwire date much
when exactly i crossed the line
became middle aged
gave up on my looks
forgot my dreams and succumbed to the rat race
im thinking it kind of snuck up on me
insidious like,
i had a baby at 39, and a year later when i turned 40 i was still carrying around the 60 lbs i had gained (and i wasnt thin to begin with)
the last few years seem blurred to me
YEARS of my life!
this was on top of a few really tough years
Id been laid off when the housing market crashed
found a new job in a completely different industry (starting over)
my mom had cancer
and my older sons were teenagers and struggling mightily with "becoming" themselves..let’s just say I slept with one eye open, and never relaxed for about 2/3 years
then i had a baby at 39
gained a ton of weight
and forgot about it
and myself
my life has never been "easy"
by any stretch
ive had a lot of struggles
but
its not ever been a tragedy either
I’ve had a lot of mountaintop moments in my life
and a lot of joy,
and really amazing times with my kids even when we were dirt poor
Where I could look back, and feel greatly achieved, vindicated, proud, and invigorated by life and challenge and hard work
most of the challenges ive faced have been self imposed – not all
I had struggled for along time to support myself and those boys
now i dont struggle so much
anyways
everyone has their challenges right?
let me get to the damn point
im not good at setting up a story – or getting to the point – in fact this may end up one long weedpath ramble
SOMEHOW
i got to this place a few years back where i gave up
i mean
i kept going to work
kept meeting my responsibilities
i kept hugging and loving my kids
and my husband
but gave up on my inner stuff
put myself on the shelf
and slowly
i became
gray
unanimated
dull
sad
boring
bored
pissy
blank
flat
un-myself
(is this what they mean by losing yourself?)
i have had some glimmers of hope
light ..something
over the past few years
but the dullness has been so hard to get rid of
persistent..
stubborn even
i knew i was slipping
i knew i was fading
i knew i was becoming more and more unhealthy
but felt completely unmotivated to do anything about it
lost.
Then
over the last year
and moreso the last few months
i have been making a determined and persistent effort
to come back
i have sought medical help
which ran me in circles for months on end - and the most powerful thing they have given me to date was an iron supplement. $6.39 at rite aid. AFter 10+ thousand dollars in brain scans and such.(I do have insurance (gratitude list))
i eat healthy
i trust my gut .. finally
i drink lots of water
i walk regularly
have started doing yoga ( i HATE exercise with a burning hot passion, but alas, i am forced to overcompensate for my lack of metabolism these days by "working out") and really now that ive been doing it for a while, its pretty painless,
and i can feel myself getting stronger – and I would not have expected yoga to be exercise but it really is! But the good kind
ive noticed I’m coming out of the pit
its not a big hurray
or a religious epiphany
or a fantastic diet pill
or self help book
i am saving myself
by little choices i make every day
and its painfully slow
and i lose weight incredibly slowly
and im still not too flexible
and i still look pissy sometimes when i walk past the windows at work
but
every day i vote for me
and i do something to help myself out of the hole - in spite of the tight box i live in most weekdays
all of this time i thought it was the tight box that was making me gray
but it wasnt
i still live in the same confines COMMUTE -+ job
but i have changed my mind about what i will let it do to me
im poking holes in the wet paper sack over my head
i have decided to be more persistent than the gray
and its working
slowly
but its working
im coming back from the dead
for the sake of embodying my life
achieving my potential
kicking off the second half of my life with steps in the right direction
instead of going quietly much too early
at first it was a grudging effort
i forced myself to walk.. dragged my own a55 around the parking garage day after day. It was a very special kind of unpleasantness,
then i changed my diet
i actually love Kale now, (truly!)
i started 'treating' myself to ‘me time’
painting
the studio
some creative outlet
the latest changes ive made..
before i go to bed each night i write down a gratitude page - sometimes im tired and its like 10 words scrawled
i sing in the car again,, even if i dont feel like it.. somehow the ACT of singing makes you happier, and then you actually want to sing
when i eat - i pay attention to each bite, and how its tastes instead of mindlessly getting through it
anyways
i dont know which thing it is.. maybe its just the iron supplements (snort)
maybe it’s the yoga
maybe its all the rabbit food ive been eating finally catching up to me
but i feel life returning to me
maybe I just took a 2year hiatus to recover from the first half of my life?
so yeah
no miracles
just small things every day
i used to come home and return through the door a wrung out rag, gray, tired, exhausted, and blank
now i come home,
and i smile and its real
and i sing to our youngest guy just for the joy it brings him
and i run up and down the halls chasing him, and growling oooh im gonna get you!!! as he squeals in octaves i didnt think humanly possible
i laugh and howl, and cry over funny stuff
all this time i was just craving life
and its returned to me in little drops, which have filled the bucket all the same
even my imagination has returned, the other day i was trying to think up a new interesting way to get a workout, besides walking around thee parking lot at lunch, and came up with roller skating around factoria mall, listening to good music (and GROOVING like the weird dudes used to do at skate king) and wearing a tutu. ahhh ha ha ha ha
now your asking yourself if maybe ive just fallen off
but no
i have always gotten fantastic ideas of WEIRD grandeur that cracked me up
maybe someday i will get the cohones to do them and not care!
today i was saying to Chris, i wonder how long i would keep a job, friend, relationship, how well i would actually fare in the world if i was 100% GENUINE ALL the time
like if i said what i was really thinking all day every day
and if i did everything i thought of
reminds me of that quote
what would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
I will close with a bit of beloved cheesy-ness
Whats that I hear?
“Duh
duh duh duh..”
Is it?
Could it be?
The theme song from rocky? The Eye of the tiger
“Risin' up, back on the streetDid my time, took my chancesWent the distanceNow I'm back on my feetJust a (wo)man and his will to survive!!!”
It’s the eye of the tiger
It’s the thrill of the fight”
Blah blah blah
Peace out
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